Reflections on my trip to London
TL;DR
“You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.”
-C.S. Lewis
One of the many hazards of parenting that we know all too well in this time of covid/post-covid is that when your kids come down with any type sickness, it’s usually coming for the parent a few days later.
‘Twas the case when Lucy came down with pink eye the week before I was leaving for my long-awaited-already-postponed-once solo vacation to London to visit my sister.
I’m not kidding when I tell you I had PLANS for myself last week.
I didn’t care if it was raining all week, I had packed my wellies at my sister’s suggestion. She’s been living in London long enough that she’s now using British terms like wellies. (Really, Jodie? They are RAIN BOOTS to this New Yorker! 😉)
I was going to sleep in, go on long walks, catch up on my reading, wander around town, eat great food, see a matinee if I felt like it…and simply be a person in London — without a schedule or kids to take care of — who could just see where the days would take her.
Glorious, right?
So you can imagine my severe disappointment when I ended up with a double-punch combo of pink eye and a stomach bug upon my arrival in London.
All of the sudden my wellies were collecting dust.
And then I had a breakdown.
I don’t share this for you to feel bad for me. I did enough of that myself on this trip.
I am sharing this because with every breakdown comes a breakthrough, and there’s value in hearing these stories so we can reflect on what resonates for each of us.
My breakdown occurred on day 5 of the trip. I may as well have been laying on the floor pounding my fists into the ground like a toddler. That’s what it felt like inside my body.
Jodie and I were walking back from a coffee shop. Nothing unusual about that…EXCEPT that I wasn’t drinking coffee because of my upset stomach.
Let me repeat: I. Wasn’t. Drinking. COFFEE.
This likely played a big role in my mood given that I am an avid coffee drinker. So the fact that I’m on vacation and not even having coffee or breakfast may not be a big deal for some of you, but for me…this was Bad News Bears. Cue the caffeine headache.
It was like I started to transform into this monster version of myself. I was a nasty, negative, glass-half-empty grouch who was only focusing on how hard it all was, and this was supposed to be my break and I’m spending it sick in bed, blah blah blah.
Yes, we coaches are not immune to the Inner Critic take over. I was caught in a story.
But you know who wasn’t? Jodie.
She listened to me rant about how hard my life is and how tired I was and how much I needed this trip to go my way and how I was already sick last trip over Christmas with covid — I mean c’mon, people — and, by the way, I’m the worst business owner ever and maybe I should stop trying to grow this business because it’s too hard to do all the marketing right now and Lucy still isn’t potty trained…all the way home for 10 minutes straight.
God bless my sister, who has the patience of a saint most days.
When we got back, she said the worst thing she could have said to me at that moment, “Why don’t you listen to a meditation?”
I wanted to scream at her, “I DON’T F-ING WANT TO MEDITATE RIGHT NOW, I NEED TO SCREAM! I NEED TO CRY; I NEED TO BE HEARD AND UNDERSTOOD! I NEED TO NOT BE MEDITATING! I NEED TO NOT FEEL SICK! I NEED TO LET THIS OUT! HOW DARE YOU TELL ME TO GO MEDITATE!”
(In case you missed it, this was my breakdown.)
Clearly, I turned down her suggestion. Deep down I knew it would have helped, but I was too far gone for that solution. I needed to calm down my nervous system and just rest. Which is what I did.
After enough time had passed and my tantrum was over, I felt back in my body and realized: I’m getting everything I need. In fact, the most important thing that I needed out of this trip was something I hadn't even thought about — REST. So, I gave in to that and slept a lot last week.
And lo and behold, I felt well enough to make the most of my last day in London and filled it with a nice walk, a visit with my cousin and her baby, and some quality time with family. The trip ended with a great dinner out with my sister and an amazing performance of Cabaret (getting a show in just under the wire!).
When I was able to step back, it still sucked to be sick most of the trip, BUT that’s not what I will remember about it.
I will remember…
how Jodie showed up for me when I couldn’t show up for myself, and how fortunate I am to have a sister who can see past my critic and help bring me back
that everything is better when I’m rested
and that they’re called sneakers, not “trainers,” Jod; and I’m sorry, but it’s gas, not “petrol” 🙂
My breakthrough snuck up on me a week later when my dear friend and yoga teacher shared this amazing quote:
“You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.”
-C.S. Lewis
It’s so obvious (especially in hindsight), and yet…kinda profound! My hope is that, in the future, I’ll be able to remember this quote (and my own experience) and change the ending when things aren’t going as I had planned.
Oh, and I did end up listening to that Tara Brach meditation that Jodie recommended. She was right, it was a good one.
I guess sometimes we just need to get there in our own time.